How does your past limit your future?
Why? Wednesday | Would you like to buy me a coffee?
Welcome to Why Wednesday!
Where is your interpretation of the past limiting your movement towards the future?
Earlier this week I realized something about myself while talking to a close friend. Usually, if I’m grappling with something I end up working through it easily with him. Since coming home to the Bahamas I’ve been suspended in a chaotic flux that has proliferated mental illness. My mind has been compromised and I’ve been struggling.
It’s since affected how well I’ve been able to write, focus, and plan for the first quarter of 2020. Beyond that, my sleep has been deeply impacted by my family’s nocturnal movements to the point where I’m being forced into insomnia further exacerbating my brain fog and ailing mental health.
In addition to all of the mental upheaval being back here has been triggering memories and leaving me feeling emotionally exhausted and hungover. I’ve been free-falling since I arrived.
Which made me consider if the current turmoil I’m experiencing on the level of the self is partially influenced by my past. As the word vomit poured from my lips it dawned on me that I’ve been holding on to my past self. More importantly, the interpretation of who I used to be.
Being back in my grandmother’s house has exercised a lot of demons and ghosts of the past. I’m struggling to be the woman I was between 2015-2017 before everything fucked up my shine.
To me, that interpretation of myself was the most optimal, I mourn her, and I’m trying to remain tethered to her but she’s gone and my reluctance to accept that is limiting my future and fucking with my present.
The woman I was then has been transformed and rooted out by all of my experiences thereafter. 2018 was a very difficult time for me, which lead to me working through a lot of issues in 2019. Now that I’ve done that work or at least started I’m in transition.
My metamorphosis is hard, but it is being hijacked by this nostalgic need to hold on to who I once was, even if its a shadow slipping through my fingers. Coming home has had its drawbacks mentally and emotionally but now I want to transmute the negative to being a positive force for transformation.
I’m still working out how I’m going to do that but in the meantime, I’m going to let go of who I used to be so the past can stop negatively effecting my present while impeding my future.
Friend Links to Medium Stories
I’ve had a very slow writing month thus far mostly impart to my ailing mental health and what I’ve said above. However, I’ve written a bit about what I’ve been going through and today had a breakthrough, writing about relationships.
Curated in Relationships.
Curated in Mental Illness
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