Six Differences A Year of Truth Makes
6 Things Thursday, new year new me in a big way!
Hey you!
Welcome to 6 Things Thursday, thanks for being here!
I know the year has just started and weโre barely three months in, but, letโs be honest, January felt like it lasted for a few months. But recently, Iโve noticed some subtle differences in the way I emote, think and respond to things. Iโve been reminded of how far Iโve come and changed in the last year. Iโm leaps and bounds from where I was this time in 2018 and even last year in 2019. Here are the 6 Ways Iโm Showing Up as the New me.
1. Iโm getting a handle on my Mental Health in a real and big way.
I honestly was in free fall this time in 2018 where I was still suffering from PTSD from the sexual assault of the previous year coupled with crippling anxiety. Iโd withdrawn from my friend circle in France and the only time I left the house was to attend classes at the university or go to work.
I was drowning but I still didnโt think to seek help for my mental help. In fact, I felt like it was impossible to explain what was going on with me in French so I suffered in silence. By March 2018 I had a physical health scare that led to me spending a night in the emergency room which led to a diagnosis of what was ailing me physically. Fast forward to 2019, I was feeling better physically but my mental landscape was still a mess.
In reality, I was so tired of suffering from the invisible illnesses that left physical markers in their wake that I sought out mindfulness and writing to help me get through. But it wasnโt a curative approach, just one to help take the edge off and manage what I was feeling.
January 2020, I made it my mission to finally have a psychiatric evaluation. I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Panic Disorder. Iโm now on a cocktail of an antidepressant and an antipsychotic and Iโm feeling better already. Much clearer, more focused, and in control. Psychotherapy with my psychologist is helping as well. Hope has returned.
2. Iโm more comfortable with vulnerability.
Last year I made it my mission to be more open and honest about my life, my issues, my trauma, and my struggles. What happened was I began to thaw from being an ice queen into a person with a wide range of emotions and feelings. I opened myself to love and showing vulnerability. Iโm still learning the power of being completely bare with people and not bottling my emotions but Iโve come a long way.
3. I create on a regular basis.
Iโve never written this much in my entire life, well, except for high school, where our English class required us to write flash fiction weekly. Iโve consistently committed to writing on a weekly basis on Medium and it has made all the difference. This month, I really wrote with gusto and while it wasnโt always a hit, getting into the swing of things really helped me focus mentally. Iโm looking forward to a continued creative burst in March.
4. Iโm trying to be more responsive and less reactive.
This is much in part to be feeling less sensitive and reactive to things because of treating my mental health. Overall Iโm focusing on thinking and responding to people as opposed to constantly taking the defensive and being reactive. The latter never serves anyone.
Recently I found myself in a conversation where the person was using a circular argument to constantly harp on my choice to be an atheist. I kept responding to his aggressive line of questioning but when he started using an ad hominem attack to get a rise out of me, I ended the conversation.
Thatโs growth, because, Nicole last year would have ripped him a new one. Instead, I walked away from the conversation once the quality deteriorated to a point of no return. Responding and not reacting.
5. Iโm open to love and trying monogamy again.
For years I practiced solo-polyamory without realizing that I was even doing it. Since my relationship ended in 2006, Iโve felt like monogamy was just not for me. Instead, I dated as often as I want and saw multiple partners at the same time. I was open, honest and ethical with my non-monogamous approach to relationships.
In 2019, I met someone that turned my world upside down. I always thought I wouldnโt find exactly the things I wanted in a partner and I made my peace with that. Then it happened. Out of nowhere, I met the man that released a clarion call to the sapiosexual I am. Iโve since been dizzy. What heโs inspired thought is a possible want for things Iโd thought I didnโt want, like monogamy and long term partnership.
6. Embracing change and not fighting against it, no matter the growing pains.
I understand that growth must exist in perpetuity, however, I sometimes long for the girl I used to be. That was a Facebook status I posted Tuesday night but I didnโt really mean it. It was in reaction to confusion over some emotions I was feeling.
The reality is, I have had so many rapid changes in the last few months that Iโve had no choice but to adapt or die. Iโve always been somewhat of a chameleon, able to change quickly and adapt to new situations. However, instead of changing swiftly, my growth has been more of a slow metamorphosis.
Iโve since embraced this change and come into a new understanding that it is necessary for who I must become to embrace my future self. Everything Iโve said here has been connected. Itโs a mapped tapestry of where Iโve been, who I am now and where Iโm going. Iโm excited to see where I will end up.
Latest on Medium
Here are friend links to my prime stories on Medium recently. Remember you can clap up to 50 times for a story to help the story get distributed to a wider audience.
Only Fake Nice Guys Finish Last
Curated in Relationships | Published in Candour
Consent Belongs In Marriage Too
Curated in Women and Equality | Published in Candour
Yes My Hair is Real, No You Canโt Touch It๏ปฟ
Curated in Beauty | Published in Candour
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