Welcome to Why? Wednesday! Glad You’re Here.
Since my time at University, I’ve always gotten slammed by the Winter Blues. In fall 2002, I moved to Halifax, Nova Scotia, from the Bahamas to attend Dalhousie University. I was beaming with pride at being at the illustrious institution and so eager to dive into my studies.
Then September gave way to October, and the sun began to shine less. No one warned me of how the shift in seasons could affect my mood and mental health. It crept up slowly at first. I began having terrible sleeping habits. Staying up too late, which wasn’t odd at first, I’d always been a night owl—until I was in the full grip of insomnia.
I had low energy; it was hard for me to focus in class— I’d zone out and daydream—which wasn’t uncommon, it’s been written on my report card every semester since kindergarten, but this was different. Then I started sleeping through my morning classes; again, it was strange since I fixed my schedule so that I had none before 10 am. I was taking dance on campus, but a flare-up of an old knee injury made me stop. Once I healed, I lost interest in doing something I’d always loved.
I drown myself in alcohol and partying to numb the pain and avoid what I was feeling. I was sad all the time but chalked it up to being homesick for the sun and people I knew back home.
Always on edge and agitated, especially when stressed out with particular assignments. I tried to jump out of a 4th Story Window in our residence building, which probably wouldn’t have killed me, but my friend pulled me away. She made me go and see the campus therapist.
Back then, she told me I had seasonal depression, coupled with the anxiety diagnosed months earlier. I was an absolute mess. She recommended some vitamin D3, yoga, and sent me on my way.
Every year since then, I’ve been hit with the same volley of symptoms. Currently, I’m in the throes of it, and it’s wearing me down. At first, I chalked it up to the change I’m about to experience with going home to the Bahamas, but now I realize this is business as usual. I feel this way every year, and it’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Seasonal Affective Disorder affects a lot of people. It always zaps your motivation and ability to do things you love. I have had trouble writing. Stats on Medium are down, readership is low, and I figured maybe that’s why I didn’t feel motivated, but no, it’s the sadness. I feel listless, and it never lends to creativity. I had a plan for December, but that’s all over now. My friend and fellow writer Zuva told me to be gentle with myself and not push. So that’s what I’m doing.
Last night, I wrote about how I was feeling and its affect on my writing; in Writing is Hard—When Mental Illness Holds You, Hostage, I describe what’s been going on with me lately in terms of creativity.
I’m going to see a health care professional as soon as I can. It’s time to put a handle on this.
Friend Links to Latest On Medium
Writing Is Hard—When Mental Illness Holds You, Hostage
Next week, you’ll get an email on Freewheeling Friday! I’m very aware that it will be two days after Christmas, it’s also my birthday!! That email will include my reflections of the decade and 2019, my favorite stories I wrote this year, and what I’m planning for the future.
Yes, I feel down, but I know this will pass, as it always does. I think being honest about what I’m experiencing, helps. If you’re going through it too, let me know by commenting.
Don’t forget to heart this email. Liking it helps me know you like it. I know it’s a sad and dull one, but this is my life unfiltered.
Candidly,
Nicole